THE UNHAPPY RESULT OF UNTHANKFULNESS

I feel like I try to keep things a little more impersonal with the blog posts I write. I avoid saying “I” too much. I plan out topics ahead of time according to research and specific themes. Oh sure, I’ll add little stories and such, but I typically aim for a little more distance. But as we move deeper into the holiday season, I find myself, like many others, wanting to connect more with people. So, a little testimony time. Here’s what God’s been taking me through the last few days (but first, back story!).

Ever since graduating from college 10 years ago I’ve lived a busy, fast-paced life. Whether it was my piano business or church, I have always been working on something. Because of all the responsibilities and invisible pressures I put on myself, I’m very prone to high levels of stress. I often feel overwhelmed, unequipped, lacking in energy, and weak, yet just as often come up with more ideas to implement in the studio or try in a ministry at church. This past year has definitely been the worst. I think I’m just weary. Tired of working over time. Exhausted from drama. Tapped dry of creativity. Often, all I can think about is the next time I have a chunk of time to catch up. But alongside that comes the realization that I’ll never be caught up. If you’re a more seasoned saint, you’re probably smiling and slightly chuckling at my complaints and thinking, “This is life. This is normal. Get used to it because you’ll never be caught up!”

Well, this week, my prayers for God to give me wisdom in balancing my schedule were answered in a unique way: my husband and I got sick with Covid-19. It is now necessary for us to isolate. I finally have time to catch up! I have to stay home and I’ll have very few distractions since the next book by my favorite author doesn’t come out until later this month. I’m already feeling better so I’ll have at least 5 days that I will be forced to work on these things that have been weighing me down. This is what I’ve hoped for and dreamed of for years! And you know what, the happiness this prospect brought me was so fleeting. Instead, it just heaped on a whole host of new worries and concerns.

How can this be? I was literally gifted with exactly what I’ve been wanting. But there’s always something more. My feeling of satisfaction is a bottomless pit that can never be filled. How did I get this way? I’ve always been a little bit of an Eeyore, but this seems a bit more extreme. So I started reflecting on times in my life when I was more joyful and happy. What was different? The answer: thankfulness. During those seasons I was in the habit of giving God thanks. My attitudes and reactions were fueled by thanksgiving.

So this holiday season I hope to get back into having a thankful heart by changing some habits. I’m going to begin by starting a journal to keep track of thanksgivings. For now, I’ll try to add at least one a day. I mean, I did just complain about having a crazy busy schedule so I don’t want to simply add things to my to-do list! In addition to that, I’d like to add thanksgiving back into my regular prayer time. Right now it’s been quite taken over by requests. Changing these habits is not going to be easy, but improving thanksgiving in my life will definitely help me grow closer to God and find my satisfaction in Him instead of a completed to-do list or a more “caught up” life.

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